Mike, a single dad of teenage daughter, Riley, was distraught.
“I’ve been doing my best to be a good Dad but she doesn’t even want to talk to me. She’s miserable! I always thought I would be a better Dad than my father was but it looks like I’m just as incompetent as he was. The divorce from her Mum must have really harmed her, I should have tried harder to make things work. I’m worried our relationship will never be the same.”
What had caused Mike’s overwhelming dismay and self-blame?
Riley had lied to her Dad about going to a party with friends. When he found out, they had a huge argument and she shut herself in her room.
Mike was now telling himself several stories about what happened and what it meant:
“I’m a terrible father!”
“This is all my fault.”
“My daughter is becoming a rebel!”
“I’m just like my own father.”
“Divorcing Riley’s Mum has caused irreparable damage to my daughter.”
“We’ll never be close like we were when she was younger.”
There Is Another Way
Riley had gone to a party and lied to her Dad about it.
Those are the facts.
As humans, we are wired to make sense of life using our existing reference points of experience. These influence how we interpret events. Mike’s fears of incompetence as a father, his bad experiences with his own Dad, the divorce and his longing for closeness with Riley all coloured the meaning he gave to the situation.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers us another solution. You can slow down and become aware of the difference between what actually happened and what you are telling yourself about it. By pausing, you give yourself the space to notice the thoughts you are having about the situation before you react in a way that you may regret and that will potentially create further division and misunderstanding.
There Is Another Way
Riley had gone to a party and lied to her Dad about it.
Those are the facts.
As humans, we are wired to make sense of life using our existing reference points of experience. These influence how we interpret events. Mike’s fears of incompetence as a father, his bad experiences with his own Dad, the divorce and his longing for closeness with Riley all coloured the meaning he gave to the situation.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers us another solution. You can slow down and become aware of the difference between what actually happened and what you are telling yourself about it. By pausing, you give yourself the space to notice the thoughts you are having about the situation before you react in a way that you may regret and that will potentially create further division and misunderstanding.
Slow Down
The next time you feel triggered in a highly emotive situation, remember to go SLOW:
Yes, Riley did go to the party without her Dad’s permission because she wanted to fit in with the girls at her new school. She hated going behind her Dad’s back but she had a deep need to be accepted by her peers. Once she was at the party, Riley was shocked to see how many of the teenagers were drinking heavily. She left early and wanted to talk to her Dad about it all but when she got home he was furious that she had lied to him. Riley shut herself in her room and wouldn’t eat anything because she was so distressed. She longed to talk to her Dad. She desperately wanted to ask his advice but she felt ashamed for lying to him and making him so angry.
Observing Not Evaluating
Then Mike remembered to take it SLOW! He calmed his racing thoughts, took a deep breath and noticed the stories he was telling himself about what happened and how he had interpreted it. He looked at the situation objectively and formulated his “When” statement: “When you went to the party without telling me, I was angry because I felt hurt that you had lied to me and I was afraid for your safety.”
After going through the 4 steps, Mike and Riley were able to talk calmly and honestly about what happened. He realised that his daughter was struggling to make friends and feel like she fitted in at her new school. Riley understood that her Dad’s anger was an expression of his fear for her safety and his need to have a close, trusting relationship with her. This new clarity brought them closer together and laid the foundation for an honest, open relationship that met both of their needs.
